A person that is “passive” and lacks assertiveness finds it very difficult to recognize his or her own limitations or get his or her legitimate needs met. For the passive person – lacking assertive skills – saying the word “no” is almost impossible.

A person that behaves passively believes that if he or she asserts his or her will/desire it will cause conflict, disappointment and anger. To the passive person, these feelings—in oneself and others—must be avoided at all cost. And often the “cost” is personal exhaustion and out-of-control stress.

Passive behavior leads to feelings of guilt, helplessness, frustration, and anger. These feelings are not expressed, since the person is unwilling to challenge others. However, when this builds-up and reaches a critical mass, the passive behavior can suddenly, and without warning, flip to its opposite – aggressive attacking anger.

But it needn’t be that way. With effective assertive training, learning to be assertive is can be easily achieved. Smart Life System offers several Modules (courses) that will help you communicate assertively and develop the skills needed to assert yourself in a healthy and effective way. You don’t need to be “passive.” YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO.

What you should know

Passivity expresses itself in attitude (beliefs), thoughts, behavior and relationships. Passivity is easy to recognize in oneself and in others. What is difficult to recognize is how destructive passive behavior is to oneself and to others.

Passive attitudes (beliefs)

• Getting what I want will cause conflict
• I am not “so” important as to put myself before others
• People will like me if I agree with them
• People won’t like me if I don’t agree with them
• Being “invisible” is safe

Passive thoughts

• Your need is more important than mine
• I am used to not getting what I want, so one more time won’t matter
• If I say “no” you will be mad at me
• I will agree with you and that will be proof we like each other
• Negative thoughts about oneself

Passive behavior

• Always agreeing
• Frequently late
• Not speaking-up
• Not taking care of one’s own essential needs
• Sudden outbursts of anger
• Always tired and exhausted

Passive behavior and how it affects relationship’s

The passive person:

• Is often angry because he or she feels misunderstood
• Is often angry because he or she doesn’t get what he or she needs/wants
• Blames the other person for relationship problems

The person living or working with a “passive person”:

• Fears “anger outbursts”
• Difficult to “trust” the passive person because experience has taught that in spite of what they say, you can never really know what they want or mean
• Disappointment that open and honest communication is difficult or impossible
• The unpleasantness of living with a person that is exhausted and always feeling overwhelmed

There is little research that assesses the degree that passivity exists within the general population. However, based on observation, passivity is most common in women. Although, men can also be passive, it is generally a milder version and causes less personal stress.

As well, passivity is believed to be a major cause of anxiety and depression. When a person doesn’t push to get what he or she wants (because they are passive) the individual feels sad, fearful and hopeless. These types of feelings can easily lead to anxiety and depression. If this hypothesis is correct, that passivity is a precursor to anxiety and depression, then in the general population passive behavior is certainly prevalent.

Work Passivity

Sue feels she can never say “no” to her boss and often takes on more work than she can actually do. She is constantly frustrated, and sometimes she even worries that she will be fired because she can’t keep up with all the work she has agreed to do. It’s not surprising that Sue hates her job and sometimes feels like giving up.

Mother Passivity

Suzy strives to give her three children everything they want, or at least, she thinks they need. For example, dinner often has three different menus to please each kid. Suzy is overworked; frustration and resentment builds within her. She often explodes with anger at the kids and makes cruel threats to give them away to foster parents. When she calms down, and regrets what she has said, she becomes angry with herself for having gotten out of control.

Powerless Passivity

Tina tried on a new dress. She really didn’t like it and told the sales clerk that the colors were too bright. But the sales clerk insisted it was perfect. As Tina was buying the dress she felt so foolish knowing that she would be back tomorrow to return it. She felt sad thinking “no one takes me seriously.”

Out-of-Control Time Passivity

Phil promised his wife before leaving for work that they would go out to eat that evening. When his boss asked him that morning to stay late at work to finish an important project, although he wanted to say “no,” he said “yes.” All day Phil was stressed—his wife expected him home and his boss expected him at work—and he couldn’t figure out how to avoid his wife’s anger or that of his boss.

Fear of Disappointing Passivity

Sharon took her son shopping for new shoes. When she returned home her daughter wanted a large eraser for her schoolwork. She went out again. Forty-five minutes later her neighbor called to complain about her new dog that was chewing-up the curtains. Sharon wanted to get off the phone, but was afraid her neighbor would think of her as impolite. She continued talking to her neighbor for thirty-five minutes. She was afraid to disappoint anybody, thinking if she did they would certainly think she was a bad person (or bad mom etc.). When her husband asked if there was cooked food in the refrigerator, she had already reached her limit and screamed at him. Sharon went to sleep feeling resentful and guilty. In the morning she awoke with a headache.

When a person is treated for chronic passivity, the prognosis is excellent. The treatment of choice is “Assertiveness Training.” With an effective program an individual can learn to advocate on their own behalf and significantly increase the likelihood of getting their needs and wants met. Feelings of hopelessness and anger are then replaced with feelings of confidence and strength. The stress caused by passive behavior is an unnecessary stress. With a few communication skills, healthy assertive behavior can be learned and practiced.

Untreated passivity is dangerous. Many passive individual suffer with chronic stress that can lead to painful depression and anxiety. When this happens, the cause is often overlooked and only the symptoms (depression and anxiety) are treated. In the end, the person is left vulnerable for return bouts of depression and anxiety.

Because of the feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted much of the time, a passive person often gets far less accomplished than had he or she felt calm and confident. A passive person is typically so stressed, he or she finds it difficult to focus and finish.

Many families are torn apart by anger that is rooted in an individual finding it difficult to assert his or her needs. A husband or wife may announce to his or her partner that he or she wants a divorce. The abandoned partner pleads he or she had no awareness of his or her partner’s discontent. The individual that wants out was too passive to push for the changes during the years of marriage that could have made the relationship a happy one. Often, this is an irreversible tragedy.

Coming Soon!