Relationship isolation, which is the result of conflict or lack of connectedness with others, is the cause of “loneliness”. Dr. Allan Dye, associate professor of mental health counselling and personnel services at Purdue University states: “Depression, loneliness, and boredom are all symptoms of affection deprivation. And the first sign that someone’s heading in the wrong direction is self-preoccupation. People who dwell too much on themselves, even if they don’t think of themselves as lonely or bored, are probably not having enough good contact with others.” Loneliness is experienced as a deep feeling of emptiness, being disconnected from others, and pervasive sadness. The pain of loneliness can be intense and long-lasting. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. For some individuals, being alone can be comfortable. Loneliness is an internal feeling that exists separate from outside stimuli. It can be felt even when in the presence of others.

Loneliness is experienced as:

• Feeling alone
• Feeling sad
• Lack of confidence in making friends or finding a good partner
• Feeling that no one cares
• Anger directed at oneself for being a “loser”
• Feeling inadequate or defective; thus no one is interested in having a close relationship
• Pervasive and intense feelings of lowliness which can negatively impact upon other aspects of a person’s life

Although accurate statistics are difficult to come by – since there is no agreed upon way to quantify (measure) loneliness – many people describe their “loneliness” as depression. However, this type of loneliness is not a true depression which reflects a more internal dynamic. Loneliness, on the other hand, is typically the feeling of not being close with others and is quite common. Still, loneliness and depression contribute to one another.

John T. Cacioppoe, at the University of Chicago studying loneliness, found evidence that genetics account for approximately half of the measurable differences in loneliness among people. This means that likely, many people are more predisposed toward loneliness that other. Bottom line: Some of us need to work at staying connected to others.

Conflict Loneliness

Susan informed Mark she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He was devastated. When asked what he could do to change her mind, she told him “nothing.” Currently they are at a standstill as to “what next,” but Susan has made it clear she wants nothing to do with Mark. Mark feels completely alone. Even the activities in the past that he enjoyed, now have little value. He feels lost to the point of despair.

Feeling No Good Loneliness

Mary hoped to get a scholarship to university. However socially she felt completely inept. She felt lost when it came to carrying on simple conversations and she was self-conscious about her nose. Thus, she made no effort to befriend anyone, and if someone did invite her out, she would frequently decline; she felt too exposed being around others. Her loneliness led her to depression. She became so dysfunctional that she dropped out of school.

Loss of a Loved One Loneliness

Sadly, Mattie’s husband died in an automobile accident. She feels completely lost and alone. Everything she does reminds her of the loss of her “true love.” Even simple things like taking out the garbage (that used to be his job). She has no idea how she will cope going forward.

Loss of a Loved One Loneliness

Tom wanted out of his marriage. He had met another woman and thought he could do better for himself. He packed his bags and left. He hadn’t anticipated, leaving his three children behind, how much he would miss them. Even though it was his choice to leave and start over with another woman, the guilt of having betrayed his wife and loneliness of being apart from his kids has ruined all that he had planned.

Treated

When treated, loneliness can be reduced or completely eliminated. For some people maintaining close relationships are easy, while for others it takes effort. Armed with the know-how and the will-power; to do so, interesting people to hang-out with can be found and close relationships, over time, can be nurtured. If the loneliness is with one’s spouse, renewing the relationship and creating new opportunities for closeness and intimacy should be the plan. It is natural for humans to live in clans, and since we all have these human instincts, it is relatively easy to achieve closeness with others.

Untreated

When loneliness is accepted, over time it can overwhelm all the other natural emotions (happiness, determination, self-preservation, etc.), and take over a person’s entire life. Eventually, loneliness can lead to serious depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. If loneliness is not treated, it can cause much grief and loss of opportunity.