In the distant past, religious, social, financial, and sexual considerations forced individuals to remain married even when they were unhappy. For better or worse, contemporary values and opportunities have changed all this. Now, living together as a husband and wife is voluntary. Today, most men and women living in Western societies choose to share their lives together, and continue to do so only when the relationship brings them pleasure and advantage. Ongoing relationship conflict undermines all “the good” and puts the survival of the relationship at risk.

Relationship conflict manifests itself with many different types of aggressive behaviour directed toward one’s partner. Anger, ignoring, threatening, withholding, resisting, rejecting are some of the more common signs of relationship conflict.

As a lifestyle, committed relationships—marriage, common law, partnerships—have enormous power to impact upon an individual’s personal wellbeing. Experiencing conflict can be devastating, and leading to worry, depression, unethical behaviour, criminal behaviour, suicide and rage.

Sadly, relationship counselling is seen as a skill available to anyone with ‘an opinion’. This includes not just lay individuals; but also clergy, medical doctors and lawyers. Contrary to this common fallacy—that anyone can be a marriage counsellor—relationship counselling requires great skill, knowledge, and wisdom and should only be practiced by those trained in this science and also have the personal maturity to advice properly.

You can search for a competent specialist by contacting the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

What you should know

Research has shown relationship problems, if untreated, eventually become worse and follow predictable stages. They occur in a sequence with the last stage indicating the final step before a possible relationship break-up. They are as follows:

1. Criticism

In this stage, an individual is critical and judgmental of what his or her partner does. For example, a wife is constantly criticizing her husband for coming home late from work, or a husband is continually blaming his wife for spending too much money. Typically, the criticisms span a broad range of topics and activities.

2. Contempt

In this stage, both attack each other personally. Instead of focusing on “bad behaviors,” as in the first stage, it has now regressed to how each sees his or her partner as “flawed”—”you are just a loser, you’re just like your father,” or “you are a crazy and need a good psychiatrist.”

3. Defensiveness

In this stage, personal responsibility is denied and the partner is blamed for all the problems.

4. Withdrawal

This final stage is characterized by stonewalling (ignoring). The individual remains silent or walks out of the room when the partner speaks. In this stage, the husband or wife feels so hopeless that they have given up all efforts to resolve issues by talking with each other.

These stages are chronic conditions that exist for a long time. They are not momentary expressions of anger, or frustration. Each of these four stages signals the relationship is in serious trouble. It is only predictive of divorce when the couple cannot find a way to resolve their differences, or they don’t make the effort to do so. The sooner these problems are addressed, the more easily they are resolved. For example, it is more difficult to make improvements when the relationship is in the “withdrawal” stage (the stage just before complete breakdown) than the “criticism” stage (when the hurt is still being expressed).

Statistics are gathered using a predetermined definition of “relationship,” “marriage”, “partnership,” etc. They also depend on individuals willingly and accurately reporting their relationship status. Likely these “formal” statistics, gathered by government agencies, only tell half the story. The other half is murky even to those working in the profession of “relationships.” What is clear is that over time the decision for two individuals to stay together in a committed relationship is steadily decreasing.

It has been reported by many sources that the overall divorce rate in North America is about 45% to 50%. Of those that remain together, more than half reveal they believe they made a mistake in their choice of a partner. This would then mean that at least 75% to 80% of the individuals polled are or have been unhappily married. (This is based on the assumption that people divorce because they are unhappily married.)

US Statistics:

• There were approximately 2,230,000 marriages in 2005 — down from 2,279,000 the previous year, despite a total population increase of 2.9 million over the same period
• The divorce rate in 2005 (per 1,000 people) was 3.6% — the lowest rate since 1970, and down from 4.2% in 2000 and from 4.7% in 1990. (The peak was at 5.3% in 1981, according to the Associated Press)
• The marriage rate in 2005 (per 1,000) was 7.5%, down from 7.8% the previous year
• 8.1% of coupled households consist of unmarried heterosexual partners, according to The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. The same study said that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents – the lowest figure in the Western world
• As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or divorced. And in 2002, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support (84% of the payers were male)

Source: Divorce Magazine, 2010

I know better than you “couple conflict.”

Darren prides himself in his “proper” use of language. When he hears his wife talk, he is on-the-lookout for linguistic mistakes. Enthusiastically, he corrects as mistakes occur. Barbara has repeatedly told Darren to “cut it out.” His correcting her, she explains to Mike, feels like he is telling her “she doesn’t know how to talk.” He just doesn’t seem to get-it. Barbara is often angry at him.

When “helping” hurts “couple conflict.”

Gary was happy his wife Susan had the opportunity to sleep-in. They had been out late the night before, and he was okay with her taking it easy. Gary busied himself tidying-up the kitchen. He put away the dishes, swept the floor, and put away groceries that had been left on the counter. He enjoyed putting in the time to make his wife’s life a little easier.

Susan awoke and upon entering the kitchen saw what Gary had done. She was not pleased. In her mind, he was making a point that she was “not a good housekeeper.” Susan directed a barrage of criticism at Gary. He was bewildered. He had no idea how his helping her by “tiding-up” caused her to become angry!

Physically ill from “couple conflict.”

Molly and Charles were entering their twenty-fifth year of marriage. The first few months were good, and thereafter the bickering started and stress began to build. Now they bickered; ignored each other, put down each other in front of their kids; and reacted with hostility at the slightest (perceived) provocation.

Molly and Charles were often sick. What they didn’t know was that relationship stress was likely a prime contributor to their chronic ill health.

Source: CNN.com June 10, 2010 article titled, Is your marriage making you sick? by Elizabeth Cohen. This article discusses research showing marital stress causes immune dysfunction, higher blood pressure, and the slower healing from wounds.)

Shock-and-awe “couple conflict.”

Tim and Connie had drifted apart. There was—besides their two children—not much left between the two of them. Years ago they would disagree on most things. This would often lead to arguments. Now they couldn’t even bother to express their opposition. They lived like polite roommates.

Yes—Tim was unhappy, but had no idea how to improve the situation and made no effort to find out. Connie wanted to go for therapy, but he refused. If it wasn’t for their children, he would have just packed his bags and moved on. Then he got the shock of his life!

In a hurry to get to work, Connie rushed off leaving her computer open. Curiosity got the better of Tim, and he read her emails. The words “I LOVE YOU” smacked him in the face. He continued on. “I REALLY TREASURE OUR TIME TOGETHER. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL OUR NEXT TIME ALONE.”

Tim was numb. When his mind finally got in gear he was angry, scared, confused, and alone. He realized he was entering the darkest period in his life. Weeks later, he realized what a major blunder he had made by allowing his relationship with Connie to become so cold and doing nothing about it.

Embracing the volcano “couple conflict.”

Mike was known to blow. His temper was his trademark. When he was a kid, his parents accommodated him rather than deal with his anger. Growing up, Mike learned that anger got him what he wanted.

Mike’s partner Sharon feared him, she hated his temper tantrums. She was always nervous when with him. She could never relax – she could not predict when he would “blow” and was always on edge.

Mike criticized Sharon from her coldness toward him. Two years ago, it was her warmth that he was attracted to. Now, she kept her distance. Mike felt “tricked” and confused. What he didn’t understand was that she could not embrace an erupting volcano. In other words, his anger pushed her away.

Treated

The prognosis or outcome when “Couple Conflict” is treated is very positive. Unlike many other mental or physical health problems that have persistent symptoms, “Couple Conflict” can usually be “cured” with behavioral changes and minor attitude changes alone. With effective assistance, embittered couples can learn to bring back the love they once had, with minimal effort. The precondition is willingness for both individuals to learn, and that which is “learned” is the right thing. Love between two similar people is a skill—not chemistry! When applied, conflict and divorce—and all the hardship this entails—can be avoided.

Untreated

If “Couple Conflict” is not treated, over time it will worsen. Initially, conflicted couples bicker, argue, and express anger. Then they move on to ignoring and dismissing each other. The final step is unfaithfulness, depression, or separation/divorce. “Couple Conflict” is a progressive relationship disease and the longer it is allowed to continue, the more difficult it is to reverse. When couples break-up, typically it is painful and the relief sought is short lived or nonexistent. If children are part of the family, the pain and damage is often great and long-lasting. Depression, anxiety, poverty, risky behaviour are often part of the legacy of divorce (this is also true for long-lasting common-law relationships).

Coming Soon!