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Problem:
Laura and John had been married for five years and they had one young son.

John believed he could share  ALL his thoughts and feelings with his wife. When he spoke, he was critical, harsh, and opinionated. Laura felt uncomfortable, misunderstood, and put-down by the way John spoke.

Since childhood, Laura had been shy and sensitive. When she got upset her strong emotional response would frighten her to the point where she would freeze-up and could not speak.

When John would 'speak out' his pointed opinions in  a loud voice, Laura would feel upset and intimidated and would then withdraw.

When John would ask her what was wrong, she would mumble, "Nothing," while her faced flushed red and tears rolled down her cheeks. Every time John would ask what the problem was, Laura would just repeat one word, "Nothing."

Not wanting to see his wife cry and unhappy, John would get upset that she would not tell him what was the problem. He wanted to "fix" the problem. However, when Laura kept her feelings to herself, John felt powerless and would then become angry. He didn't know how to handle a situation that was beyond his control.

At this point, after years of not knowing how to correct the problem, Laura and John did not feel safe around each other. Both felt they were misunderstood, so they stopped communicating with each other.

Their loneliness was most intense when they were home at the same time.

Laura and John protected themselves by avoiding each other. Unhappy and disillusioned, they wondered why they stayed married.

Solution:

Laura and John had three sessions with a relationship specialist who gave them some insight into their problems. The therapist recommended some reading material for both of them.

Laura learned to be more assertive and to express her feelings. She told John she didn't like his strong opinions and negative comments. 

John never understood that his strong words had such a negative impact on Laura. He was relieved to know what was "the problem" because now he could do something to improve the situation.

John began to filter what he said to Laura so she would feel comfortable around him. He was more positive in speech and talked less about "Laura" to Laura.

Gradually their comfort and closeness with each other returned. They were grateful that they had done the necessary relationship work that led to peace, happiness and a chance for relationship longevity.

Problem:
Matt and Cindy were married for 17 years. They had four children aged from three-years-old to 14-years-old.

Matt's mother had passed away when he was about six-years-old. His father was devastated by the loss of his wife. He became an angry and hardhearted man. Matt did not experience tenderness growing up. His father was harsh and neglectful.

After Matt married, he treated his wife and children cruelly, demanding that they do whatever he wanted. As a successful lawyer, Matt felt he was entitled to make all the decisions. Matt used anger to bully each family member to submit to his will.

Cindy was depressed and anxious because of her marriage, and the children were having problems at school. Cindy knew something was seriously wrong in her family, but she did not know what.

Solution:
Cindy found articles on my website and read them. She educated herself about abuse and realized that what Matt was doing was wrong and could not be justified. With the help of a close girlfriend, she found the courage to take the children and move in with her parents.

Matt was devastated when Cindy and the children left. He never thought he would lose his family.

Cindy agreed to a limited relationship with Matt provided they go for therapy and educate themselves about abuse. Although Matt did not want to speak to anyone or read any books, he did want to save his marriage so he reluctantly agreed to go for therapy. 

In therapy Matt learned about emotional abuse, anger, and marriage intimacy, and he came to realize how bad his behavior had been. Looking objectively at himself, he did not want to be that person that everyone feared.

Six months after Cindy left with the children they returned home. Matt was a different person. He recognized that Cindy had the same rights as he, and that she was entitled to kindness and respect.

Cindy was very appreciative that Matt had done a "personality makeover." Their love-life that had stopped years before, returned as she naturally grew close to Matt.

Matt was appreciative that Cindy had stood up to him. This was a wake-up-call and had given him the opportunity to change his ways and become a better person. He appreciated the second chance he got, and that he could continue to be fully present in the lives of his children. (In many cases the abuser can 'wake-up' and recognize his or her need to change and it is not necessary for their partner to leave.)