Don't be a victim! Learn the signs of verbal abuse and how to protect yourself.
Verbal abuse in a marriage or a committed relationship is common! The verbally abusive person is found everywhere. And so too are their victims!
Any family member can become an abuser, including children. Family relationships should all be healthy, whether between adults and adults, or adults and children.
If you are in a relationship where there is name-calling, threats of physical harm, harsh criticisms, curses, and unrelenting put-downs, you need to protect yourself so you don’t become a victim.
Victims of verbal abuse have low self-esteem, feel guilty when they have done nothing wrong, have chronic stress, and are depressed, lonely, and anxious.
Healthy relationships are built upon respect, care, equality, compassion, and understanding. This is the type of relationship you should have. A healthy and positive relationship is always expressed with kind and respectful words. The opposite is also true. A bad relationship typically includes a heavy dose of verbal abuse.
Domestic violence, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and other types of abuse can also be present when verbal abuse is part of a marriage or committed relationship.
Knowing the signs of verbal abuse is your first step to stopping this relationship poison, which if allowed to continue, will eventually kill your natural emotional health and may eventually lead to physical harm.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Every person is entitled to respect and freedom—this is an unconditional human right!
Verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, and domestic violence all deny a person’s natural human right to freedom, security, respect, and dignity. Verbal abuse is the deliberate use of ‘words’ to degrade, humiliate, silence, and subjugate another person.
Verbal abuse can occur in the home or the workplace. Most often, it occurs in the home between two intimate partners. However, it is not uncommon for a teenager to verbally abuse a parent. Verbal abuse—as well as every other form of abuse—cannot be justified and should not be accepted!
Nobody’s behavior or situation can excuse another person’s abusive behavior. The victim of abuse is NEVER to blame for the abuse they are suffering from! Say NO to verbal abuse and every other form of abuse.
Not all ‘bad’ relationship behavior is emotional and verbal abuse
Not all relationship conflicts, arguments, and disagreements are signs of verbal abuse.
Expressions of anger or unreasonableness are not necessarily abusive behavior. Only when an individual intends to control his or her partner is he or she categorized as an abuser.
Abuse is more than simply ‘bad behavior.’ Abuse is the use of words, physical assault, sexual humiliation, and confiscating items such as car keys and money with the intent to dominate (control) the victim.
When you challenge your partner to be more respectful, kind, and accepting, and he or she acknowledges his or her faults and makes a sincere effort to be better, this is a strong indicator that he or she is not an abuser.
On the other hand, if your partner refuses to acknowledge his or her bad relationship behavior, blames you for all the relationship problems, continues to insult you, threaten you, or promises to be better but does not follow through—you then know your partner is an abuser!
14 Definitive Signs of Verbal Abuse
After being presented with the 14 signs of verbal abuse, you can take a Verbal Abuse Test.
The following are signs of verbal abuse:
1. Verbal Assault
As domestic violence injures the physical body, verbal abuse injures your emotions, reducing your self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, security, and happiness.
Examples of verbal assault:
Your partner says to you…
- You are stupid.
- You are fat.
- Insults you—You are the only one who doesn’t know how to do this.
- Put you down along with the people that you love—Didn’t your mother teach you anything? Don’t you have a brain?
- Nobody likes you; you have no friends.
- You cause all our problems.
- You are worthless.
- Won’t talk to you—It is your fault that I ignore you.
- Blames you for everything—It’s your fault that I am angry!
- Calls you derogatory names—You are a piece of…
- Curses you—you deserve to die in your sleep.
2. Always Disagreeing
Arguing, always believing he or she is right, and never agreeing with what you say or want are strong verbal abuse symptoms.
Examples of always disagreeing:
- You have no idea what the best flowers are to plant in our garden. You make me ashamed of our home.
- I know you have your own ideas about how to discipline our son. However, I have told you many times that the way you are doing it is wrong! You should only do it the way I have told you.
- You pay too much for orange juice. If you shopped at the store where I go, you wouldn’t overpay!
3. Sarcastic Jokes
Some verbal abusers are very skilled at embedding insults and embarrassing comments within humor and sarcasm. Twisted humor can be used as a way to camouflage the intent of the comment so that the verbal abuser cannot be held responsible for what they say to you.
Examples of twisted humor and sarcastic jokes:
- If every time you made a mistake we earned a dollar, by now we would be millionaires!
- I love you by the pound. Keep it up… gain more weight… you will be more loved than anyone else in this world!
- With that new hat, I am sure you could easily get a job in the circus!
- (After making an innocent mistake, your verbal abuser comments) I am the luckiest person in the world living with such a perfect person!
4. Controlling the Conversation
Like a traffic cop who directs and controls traffic, a verbal abuser will control and manipulate the conversation and decide what you can and cannot speak about.
Abusive language examples of controlling the conversation:
- You have already asked me the same question a thousand times.
- You never listen to me, so why should I listen to you?
- You never learn, so why should I bother to talk with you?
- I have to interrupt you because you say so many stupid things.
- Ignoring you and what you have to say.
5. Blaming
The abuser consistently ‘blames’ you for any undesirable situation. Blame is not something that should be part of a healthy relationship. Thus, regardless of the cause of an unwanted event, blaming is always inappropriate, harmful, and one more example of verbal abuse.
Examples of blaming:
- It is your fault that I lost my job. You never support me.
- It is your fault that I cheated on you because you didn’t give me enough love.
- It is your fault that I cannot find my keys. You never clean up around here.
6. Dismissing
Always minimizing your concerns and needs is a variant of verbal abuse.
Examples of dismissing:
- So what if the windows were open last night? You are always paranoid. Stop thinking negatively, and everything will be okay.
- I will not drive you to the doctor. You always make a mountain out of a molehill.
- So what if he criticized you? You are too sensitive!
- There is nothing wrong with me having lunch with an old boyfriend. Your jealousy proves you are sick!
7. Threatening
Threatening with harsh consequences is a form of verbal abuse.
Examples of threatening:
- If we get divorced, I will take the children from you. I will prove to the judge you are ‘crazy.’
- If you don’t stop your mother from sticking her nose into our business, I will never speak to her again.
- If you don’t keep the house cleaner, I won’t give you any more money.
8. Character Assassination
Character assassination is when your words are used to lessen your partner’s value as a person.
Examples of character assassination:
- You are stupid, just like your brother.
- I regret that nobody told me how lazy you were before I married you.
- If you had half a brain, you could figure it out on your own.
- You have never achieved anything of value your entire life.
- I feel I have to treat you like a child.
- Any name-calling that targets you as an individual.
9. Criticism
Continually expressing negative opinions and judgments about you.
Examples of criticism:
- You spend too much money.
- You always drive too fast.
- When you eat, you chew too loudly.
- You are always thinking the worst of people. This is why you have no friends.
- You dress like a slob.
10. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of fact manipulation and is a potent form of verbal abuse. Gaslighting and the like are examples of how abusive language can be used to make a person believe they are crazy. When gaslighting, the abuser attempts to convince you that because you are ‘crazy or stupid,’ you don’t know the truth, and you don’t know what happened!
Examples of Gaslighting:
- You gave me bad advice, and that’s why we lost money on the stock market. (This never happened.)
- You always neglected our son Tom, and that is why he’s doing so poorly in university. (This never happened.)
- You are abusive, and this is why we have such a bad marriage. (This is not true.)
- I never called you a ‘bitch.’ (When in fact, the abuser did.)
11. Abusive Anger and Rage
The difference between normal relationship conflict and abuse is the intent. Not all anger is abusive. However, if a person uses anger with the intent to systematically control and manipulate you, then it is verbal abuse.
Examples of abusive anger and rage.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to frighten you.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to bully you.
- The abuser uses his or her anger to force you to do what he or she wants.
12. Yelling
Raising their voice to intimidate and bully you is a variant of verbal abuse.
Examples of yelling:
- Examples of yelling include all the above examples of verbal abuse in a loud and menacing voice.
- Screaming in a demanding and rude way, such as; “Bring me a fork or move your car.”
- Name-calling with a loud and threatening voice.
13. Male privilege
Some men are under the mistaken belief that their female partners must do whatever they want them to do. These men believe that their ‘gender’ makes them superior or entitled and that they have a right to control the relationship and in doing so create painful abusive relationships. The idea that men are from a ‘privileged gender’ is wrong — men and women ARE equal.
Examples of male privilege (men speaking to their female partners):
- You need to do what I tell you to.
- It is time to have sex.
- Today, you must stay home and clean the house.
- I don’t like your friend. Stop talking to her.
14. Racism
When a partner is shamed or put down because of his or her religion, culture, or skin color.
Examples of racism as a form of verbal abuse:
- When I see where you and your family come from, it does not surprise me that you are so primitive.
- If you want to get close to God, become a member of my faith.
- I hope our children have my skin color and not your skin color.
- I don’t want our children to be like your family. This is why they can’t see your parents.
- Racially tainted name-calling.
4 Steps to Freeing Yourself From Emotional and Verbal Abuse
1. Learn more about verbal and emotional abuse
Learn More About Abuse
Reach out to qualified professionals.
Knowledge is power. The more you know about the signs of verbal abuse, the better protected you are.
Take the FREE Verbal Abuse Test to learn what is considered verbal abuse in your relationship with your partner.
2. Acknowledge that abuse is never your fault
Verbal abuse — and every other type of abuse — cannot be justified. Nobody has a right to hurt you — whether physically or emotionally. Nobody has a right to control you. Your freedom and dignity is a human right!
3. Take the position that you will not accept being abused
Unless you make it clear to your abuser that you will not tolerate abuse, the abuse will likely continue.
Don’t make idle threats. If you say you are going to separate if the verbal abuse doesn’t stop—then separate. If you say you were going to tell others about the abuse if it doesn’t stop—tell others. If you tell the abuser, you will no longer be intimate with them, if they don’t stop the verbal abuse—don’t be sexually intimate.
There are many ways to let your abuser know that verbal abuse will not be tolerated. For example, in person, through writing, or in the presence of another person. Whichever way you choose, make sure you are safe.
4. Make a practical plan on how to stop verbal assaults
Knowing that verbal abuse is wrong and harmful is never enough!
You must do whatever it takes—no matter how much effort is required—to ensure the verbally abusive person reforms himself or herself and always treats you with kindness and respect.
If the verbal abuse is to stop, your abusive partner must acknowledge that what he or she is doing is wrong and be willing to cooperate to change things around so you can have a healthy relationship.
Taking decisive action to stop abuse is your responsibility and your opportunity to be free and live a better life.
Consulting with an experienced and caring relationship professional can often help you devise a practical plan to end verbal abuse.
When possible, you should try to preserve your relationship. However, when this is not possible, there are other options that should be considered.
I suggest you now take the verbal abuse test to find out in a more personal way if your relationship with your partner is correctly characterized as verbally abusive or not.
Please note: There is a margin of error in any self-disclosing test like this. For a definitive answer about verbal abuse, you would need to see an experienced professional who can help you determine what is actually going on within your relationship.
Are You a Victim of Verbal Abuse?
If the Verbal Abuse Test determines that you are experiencing emotional and verbal abuse, you need to take action to stop being abused.
Know your verbal abuser CAN change for the better IF he or she wants to.
However, you must start the process to stop the abuse.
You do this when you take the position that you will no longer accept being verbally abused, that your relationship is conditional—that your partner speaks to you respectfully.
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, you need to reclaim your human right to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality.
Are you a victim of domestic violence or physical abuse? If yes, learn more about physical abuse and assault.
IM Scared to say anything she tracks all movement
I
need this to stay confidential.
Yes, your situation is common when abuse is present in a relationship. I acknowledge your concern. You need to make the decision on how to stay safe as this is your number one priority.
My new husband of one year is a doctor of psychology and tries to make me think that he is so smart and tells me I am too stupid to understand. When actually he can’t even really function unless a book has told him how to do it and argues with the books. I have to take care of him like he is a lost child! Tired of raising him. And he is a very selfish child that shares nothing with me and expects me to give all I have.
I am sorry your new marriage is so difficult for you. You mention that your husband decides what is correct behavior by reading books. I have written a very good book that he may find useful as a guide to how to behave as a husband. I hope things improve. Regards Abe
My marriage book:
https://marriagecounselingself-help.com/abes-store/the-8-marriage-rules-for-a-passionate-marriage/
Trying to figure out if I’m being verbally abused. Move in w bf 8years ago. He loses his temper an threatens to kick my 19yr old son out who has mental disability. He doesn’t drive. This doesn’t happen everyday. My son apparently got up around midnight bathroom eat. We pay our portion of rent utilities and at times yall take up most of house yall here more than me u pay it. Tht wasn’t the agreement. He says wht he wants but I can not. Says it’s his house not ours. He did same thing to my daughter who’s 21 now. She had behavior problems he kicked her out. Then last 3years when he gets mad rages screams at me. We rent an our names on lease. He told my 19yr son w disabilities who gets a check in not his mom anymore and he can go to courthouse and evict him bc he’s an adult now. An mommy can’t do anything. I’ve heard him talk about attraction to other women but yet I can’t remember whn he’s said tht to me. There so much more. Whn I remind him he says he never said it. No pics no family trips nothing no one allowed over. When he’s kicked us out b4 would call cops to remove the friends from trying to get my stuff out. One cop told me u live here u can have anyone here u want as long as ur here no sex in 7years. He’s called us trailer park trash go back to where I found u. He’s works on vehicles but I’m driving around w no inspection vehicles half work. Tells me to get out but makes it hard 4 us too. An then later feels bad an we end up staying. U can’t afford nice home like this even w ur welfare check he calls disability check welfare. I don’t need you to make it, yall need me. So many other things. I just don’t know anymore. He hasn’t spoken to us in several days now. He’s been buying his own food. I’m like u don’t have to say those mean things I’m not. He like u ain’t seen nothing yet. He said tht I didn’t pay him my hf of rent I did said I owed him from when my daughter was in hospital from driving every evening with take out to hospital I never asked 4 those things. Been told tht landlord loves him and believes him over me. Said new landlord doesn’t do lease. I’m like I need one for school for boys. He said new landlord daughter has beautiful eyes He could get lost in them an they were captivating he’s never said tht to me I ask I’d like to hear I’m beautiful He like why u know u are. I’ve been told I give him nothing to look at. He in which now he denies ever saying. Told me new landlord wife is bi polar an there’s a Chance she may see me outside an can b rude. I’ve never met these ppl. He gets mad said ur son gonna cause us to break up. In the motel which in my name I paid wouldn’t let my disabled son in He was out there like a hour or two b4 letting him back in. Says my sons no disabled but been son has always been in special education
Hello, your situation is very complex, and I cannot give you a direct answer regarding whether or not your partner is abusing you. Families and relationships are complicated, and unless a thorough assessment is made, it is impossible to understand all the dynamics. Given all of that, it does sound like there is a lot of anger and if your partner would be willing to try to be more calm and respectful, and perhaps you with him, that certainly would be good for everyone. I wish you and your family the best. Abe
[…] abusive committed boyfriend feels that he is above the law – the law of the family. The verbally abusive husband or committed partner rules with harsh words that bully and […]
My husband always accuses me of things like being into other men. He gets very aggressive about it when he drinks. I think there is some issues with alcohol abuse that could cause verbal abuse. He doesn’t think he is being insulting at the time and flips the blame of the conversation on to me as if I am the crazy person.
Hello, obviously I know very little of your situation based on the few words you have sent me. However, a few thoughts may help. When somebody drinks excessively their thinking is impaired. This is why we understand clearly we don’t ‘drink and drive.’ When your husband is ‘under the influence’ it is best to avoid him because what will come out of his mouth will not represent his true feelings, nor in any way accurately portray who you are as a person or wife. I think he should get help with his drinking. Once or at the same time the drinking has been taken care of, if there are any other issues they should be addressed as well. Regards, Abe
My partner calls me names every time we get in an argument. If we disagree about something she will make feel like I don’t know what I am talking about or will give me the silent treatment. She has had her ex in her life as her best friend for 6 year’s knowing how uncomfortable I am about there relationship. She accused me of cheating and spy’s on me all the time. I have never and would never cheat, it goes against everything I stand for. We have a ring doorbell that she watches whenever we are apart. She won’t allow me to post anything on Facebook about us. I did it one time and she blew a gasket. If I clean the house she will clean it after me because I didn’t do a good enough job. I am pretty sure this abuse. I have left 4 times in the past only to go back because she begs and makes all the right promises only to not follow through. She has accused me of being a narcissist. She says I am manipulative when I cry during an argument or I am a cry baby. Please help me understand if I am wrong. She sometimes has me convinced that I am the bad guy but deep down I don’t think I am. I just am so confused.
Based on the few words you have shared with me, it seems that your partner has a problem with anger. She may even be right regarding some of her complaints about you. However, responding with anger is always wrong. Anger is destructive, and anger is the worst form of communication because the issue at hand goes unrecognized. Only, anger becomes the story of the moment. I suggested the two get some relationship counseling where you can learn how to communicate with one another respectfully, calmly, and without anger. When relationships break up, the primary cause of this is anger —not the issue that triggered the anger. Everything normal issue can be solved calmly and peacefully. Take care, Abe