A Sexless Committed Relationship Can Lead to Many Relationship Problems

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Free Marriage Counseling: Fix a Sexless Marriage or Sexless Committed Relationship

Do you deliberately withhold romance and sexual intimacy from your partner? If so, you need to take a close look at your actions for two reasons.

1. You are harming your relationship.
2. You are harming your partner.

Whatever relationship problem you were trying to solve or whatever point you are trying to make, by withholding romance and sex and creating a sexless marriage or committed relationship the result will be — regardless of your intentions — destructive!

Marriages and committed relationships survive and thrive because there is mutual attraction between the partners. Without this attraction, it's very easy for the entire relationship to disintegrate and end in separation or divorce.

For most couples, sexual involvement creates the energy that leads to attraction in all other areas of the relationship.

As well, you are withholding from your partner an essential physical and emotional nutrient. Ask yourself, would you withhold food from your partner if he or she were hungry? Would you make your partner sleep on the floor if you were mad at him or her?

Don't kid yourself into thinking,"I am really not doing anything." The truth is, withholding sex, is an act of aggression, an act of hostility.

Yes, there are many legitimate and temporary reasons for declining your partner's request for sexual intimacy. Here are a few of them:

  • You're tired or you're ill
  • The two of you were arguing
  • You have low sexual desire for whatever reason
  • Your mind is distracted because of a major problem
  • There are also many other good reasons

The above examples are all understandable reasons why you may temporarily decline being intimate with your partner. However, they are not by design, they are a reaction to something occurring in your life that reduces your sex drive in the moment. When the situation changes, you intend to resume your sexual involvement with your partner.

Deliberately withholding sex does not fall in the above category. It is an act of aggression and if you don't find a way to channel your hurt, upset or anger in a more productive way, you may end up emotionally destroying your partner, losing your marriage or committed relationship and breaking up your family.

How to stop withholding sex exercise. 

You may want to print this exercise for ease of use. Click the Print Friendly button above. From there you can also format this exercise into a PDF file or email it to a friend. Note: Printing from a computer works best.

Be completely honest with yourself. Answer the following questions:

1. What are the three primary reasons that you withhold sex?




2. Referring to the three 'primary reasons' listed above, what are the essential hurts behind each one? For example, You are angry because your husband doesn't give you enough attention or you reject your wife because you feel she treats you disrespectfully.




3. Referring to the three 'primary reasons' listed above, how can you fix or propose solutions to these essential hurts that have killed your sex life? For example, I feel neglected so I will suggest to my wife that we spend more time together and go on dates so we will feel closer or I will suggest to my husband that we go for marriage counseling to deal with his affair of many years ago that is still haunting us.




4. Figure out a mantra for yourself that you can repeat in your mind that will help you maintain a clear focus on not using sex to hurt or punish your partner. Rather, you will use sex to build love and closeness and secure a stable and long-lasting marriage.

Here are a few examples:

- When I behave positively toward my partner, my problems will get smaller, just as light pushes away darkness.

- I am not perfect. I do not expect my partner to be perfect. I will be quick to forgive and forget so I can be in a good mood and be a happy sexual partner.

- Being angry is just too hard. I am going to choose to be accepting and loving toward my mate.


Write 'your' mantra?




5. What would be some of the first signs your partner will notice when you start to be warmer, more affectionate and positive with him or her?




6. In what way do you imagine your new approach will impact on your partner? How will it change him or her?




7. After you have established a healthy sex life with your partner, how will that improve your marriage or committed relationship?