SURVIVING INFIDELITY

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Free marriage counseling: Surviving Infidelity Guidelines

People and relationships can and do heal from affairs. While each infidelity situation is unique, there are some general principles you will find helpful in healing and moving on from such a painful and difficult crisis.

The following guidelines only make sense when ALL contact between the cheating spouse and his or her illicit friend has completely ended. If the affair occurred at work, it will not be simple to solve. It is probably best for the cheating spouse to change jobs or find some other creative solution so that going forward, the betrayer and the illicit friend have nothing to do with each other. 

You may want to print this exercise for ease of use. Click the Print Friendly button above. From there you can also format this exercise into a PDF file or email it to a friend. Note: Printing from a computer works best.

For the person who has had the affair:

Being caught as a cheating spouse does not have to mean an end to your marriage and family if you handle all the damage you caused in a proper way as outlined below.

Be accountable. When talking about what happened, doesn't give excuses claiming that you had no choice in the matter saying things like, "She came on to me," "You were unfaithful years ago, so I was justified," or "We had a sexless marriage." There are ways to fix these marriage problems – being a cheating spouse is not one of them!

Acknowledge what you did. You lied, and your credibility is in doubt with your partner. Now is the time to step-up and tell the truth. If for whatever reason you can't tell the truth, at least say, "I don't want to talk about this detail" – this may be very upsetting to your partner, but at least you are not lying. It is best to answer all questions as completely as possible.

Take all reasonable measures to rebuild trust (e.g., be where you say you’re going to be and be there when you say you will). Be extra careful not to hide anything about what you are doing, however trivial it may seem to you or however much you are afraid it might hurt your partner. You don’t have to share every passing feeling, but don’t lie about your activities.

Apologize and offer to make amends, if possible. Acknowledge that what you did hurt your partner and offer your apologies. Ask your partner what you could do to make amends, if anything.

Cooperate with your partner checking-up on you. Since you have lied to hide the affair, now your partner needs to "discover" you are now telling the truth. This is an essential part in rebuilding trust.

If requested by your partner, let him or her have the passwords to your email, phone, Facebook, and other accounts and don't resist or be resentful – you created this situation and you need to do your utmost to "fix" it.

Offer to let your partner discuss with you how he or she feels and the details about what happened. As long as the conversation stays "respectful," be truthful and hang-in there.

You may hate this process, but you messed up by being a cheating spouse and now you need to be humble, not get angry, and help fix what you broke. Be patient, kind, flexible and give your partner as much time as he or she needs to work on this with you.

It is likely you will need professional help from a caring relationship specialist to fix what you broke. Don't resist this necessity – especially if your partner requests to, "go for marriage counseling."

Make sure you eat and sleep. You will need all the energy you have to deal with this.

For the person who has been betrayed:

Start by making it clear to your partner that you can only work on rebuilding your marriage and trust if the infidelity (including any contact with the illicit friend) has completely ended and that you believe it will never happen again in the future.

When discussing what happened, know the difference between expressing your pain, hurt, and anger from trying to get information about what happened. If you mix the two, all will become muddled and likely you won't be able to get through the conversation.

Don’t badmouth your partner to your family or friends. They will, of course, side with you. It will then come back to haunt you if you remain together because your friends and family will angry with your partner or critical of you for staying together with him or her. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek support from your friends or family, just be careful about how you talk about it. 

Checking-up on your partner is okay. Since you have been lied to, now you need to "discover" that he or she is now telling the truth.

Ask questions. It is important that you know what happened so if you decide to "forgive," you know what it is that you are forgiving. Also, you don’t want any new information surfacing years later... get it all out now!

Set specific times to work on the affair. You should not expect your partner to deal with this, even though they caused this crisis, non-stop (they may feel overwhelmed and become angry, ruining any progress you have made). Set aside some time to work on the "infidelity" unless it is extremely urgent. When things come up, wait until the next set-time to work on new or additional issues.

It is okay to repeat yourself and ask the same question several times or in different ways. This is part of your processing what happened and checking-up on the truthfulness of what your partner is saying.

It is probably best if you get some help from a caring relationship specialist. As you would get medical attention if you were in a devastating automobile accident, so too when surviving infidelity, you need to get the right help to heal fully and properly.

Make sure you eat and sleep. You will need all the energy you have to deal with this.