Surviving Infidelity: The Cheater Takes Responsibility for the Affair

A client of mine, whom I’ll call ‘John,’ is sitting in my office offering me a laundry list of explanations for why he had an adulterous relationship.

John, a well-educated and successful businessman is respected in his community for the volunteer work he does locally.

His illicit relationship with Violet, he recalls, began when the two colleagues were away on an extended business trip. John didn’t intend to betray his wife, Sue, but after a few too many drinks late one night, John found himself in Violet’s hotel room, and nature simply took its course.

John confides to me that his marriage to Sue has been less than satisfying. He comes home from work exhausted, and she complains all the time about her day and the children’s misbehavior. Sue has put on weight and has let herself go in other ways as well. His and Sue’s sex life is uninspiring, he says.

“Do you understand why Violet was so tempting?” John asks me.

I understand. Still, I don’t condone his actions or anyone else’s in a similar circumstance, and I hold him 100% responsible for his breach of trust. Sue should see it this way as well. Such a view is necessary to successfully survive infidelity after the affair is over.

John is typical of men or women who betray the commitment implicit in their relationship and then try to offload at least some of the responsibility for their misbehavior on their significant other.

That might play in some divorce courts. But for couples to have any hope of surviving infidelity and rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of infidelity, the partner who strayed must accept 100% of the responsibility for his or her actions. Surviving infidelity requires taking responsibility in the future. There can be NO excuses for a recurrence. This is a minimum of responsibility needed for getting over an affair.