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Relationship Healing Toolbox

Use Our Relationship Toolbox To Build A
Healthy Connection With Your Partner

  • Professional advice
  • Power books
  • Insightful videos
  • Hands-on worksheets

fix my broken marriage,healthy relationship,toxic relationship

Hi this is relationship specialist, Abe Kass, MA RSW RMFT CCHT.

This free online marriage and couple advice is based on research in psychology, hypnosis, education and the author’s many years of direct clinical experience working with couples.

Identify the issues that apply to you, click or tap the link, and select the corresponding treatment options:

RELATIONSHIP TOOLBOX INDEX:

1. RELATIONSHIP-FIGHTING

2. ANGER

3. RELATIONSHIP-WITHDRAWAL

4. KEEPING SECRETS

5. UNILATERAL-DECISIONS

6. DISLOYALTY

7. RESPONSIBILITY-AVOIDANCE

8. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

9. PARTNER'S BIRTH-FAMILY REJECTION

10. ROLE-DISLIKE

11. EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT

12. ABUSE

13. SELF-HARM

14. ADDICTIONS

15. INFIDELITY

Note: Some conditions may require more personalized attention. Should this apply to you, please contact appropriate professionals or authorities such as your medical doctor, emergency room, a child welfare agency, or the local police.

* * *

1. RELATIONSHIP-FIGHTING

Variations: Arguing, punishing, threats, resisting reasonable requests.

If you live with relationship conflict and animosity, this will be emotionally painful for you and your partner.

If there is fighting in your relationship, you and your partner will feel lonely, unloved, misunderstood, and fearful about the future of their relationship.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Both you and your partner must take the position that you are responsible for your own behavior. This means the only way to stop the fighting is not to blame one another for the conflict.

It is necessary to learn communication skills so you and your partner can comfortably talk with each other and can overcome disagreements and solve relationship problems.

Professional help

Find a qualified and caring relationship specialist who can teach you effective communication skills, what are reasonable expectations, and how to care and show love to one another.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

2. ANGER

Variations: Sarcasm, passive-aggressive anger, shaming, teasing, ignoring.

If your partner is frequently angry, you will feel unsafe, fearful, and resentful. If you are the one angry, this is exactly how your partner will feel.

An angry person injures three categories of people: the person the anger is directed at, those present during the anger outburst, and the person expressing the anger.

Anger outburst creates a toxic home environment.

The angry person uses fear and emotional pain to get his or her way. A relationship governed by fear is an unhealthy and damaged relationship. When strong anger is present, the relationship will eventually break and the two individuals will part ways — sometimes by emotionally polarization and sometimes by separation or divorce.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The partner who has repeatedly been angry needs to take full responsibility for his or her behavior. Blaming anyone else for getting angry eliminates the possibility of stopping expressions of anger. Simply, blaming someone else for getting angry means one does not have the necessary self-control to stop it.

Professional help

Some people can stop being angry by asserting their willpower to stay calm.

Sometimes, an anger management specialist or program is required to teach the angry individual how to stay calm and contribute to a safe and loving relationship.

If needed, the angry person should be willing to participate in relationship therapy if requested or required.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

3. RELATIONSHIP-WITHDRAWAL

Variations: No sex, no talking, staying away from home.

Partners need to stay invested in one another. If your partner withdraws from you either emotionally or sexually, likely it will devastate you. You will feel alone, rejected, unwanted, and sad. If you withdraw from your partner, he or she will feel the same.

Relationship withdrawal violates the understood contract between the two individuals who chose to live together and share their lives in meaningful ways.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The partner who withdrew needs to make amends by reversing course and begin sharing their life with his or her partner.

If the primary area of withdrawal is romantic and sexual, it is necessary to figure out why and fix the problem.

Professional help

A professional therapist can help devise a plan to build emotional and sexual intimacy.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

4. KEEPING-SECRETS

Variations: Romantic cheating with an illicit person, purchasing items behind a partner's back, watching pornography.

If your partner has a secret life that exists without your knowledge, he or she is building a wall between the two of you. If you are keeping secrets, you were the one building the wall.

Secrets are expressed and maintained with lies and misleading words. In either case, this hurts the individual who has been excluded.

When a secret is discovered, it erodes trust, safety, respect, closeness, and love between partners.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

First and foremost, the partner who has been keeping secrets needs to begin telling the truth and disclosing all relevant information.

The keeper of secrets should give the excluded partner opportunities to ask questions about the withheld information.

A practical plan needs to be made to make sure that there will be no secrets in the future.

Professional help

There may be a need for a professional therapist to help the person who keeps secrets to understanding doing so is ‘wrong’; to take responsibility for what he or she has done; to recognize how lying injures his or her partner, and to establish future accountability to the excluded partner so secretive behavior will not happen again.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

5. UNILATERAL-DECISIONS

Variations: Purchasing expensive items, moving the family to a new location, selfishness.

Should you or your partner make important decisions without consulting one another, the overlooked partner will feel sad and lonely.

Making unilateral decisions leads to mistrust, suspicion, and arguments.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The offending partner needs to recognize that making decisions without first speaking to you is wrong.

Professional help

To learn good communication skills, equitable and reasonable expectations, and for some individuals, gender equality training.

Now and in the future, there must be a willingness to consult you when important decisions need to be made, to be open about your needs and wants, and prove these positive intentions to be inclusive when making significant decisions by speaking with you.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

6. DISLOYALTY

Variations: Cheating, being insensitive, prioritizing the wrong people.

If your partner is disloyal to you, you will feel betrayed, unimportant, abandoned, and mistrustful. If you are disloyal to your partner, he or she will feel the same.

You must be the most important person in your partner’s life. Disloyalty occurs when there is repeated prioritizing of extended family members, friends, or even children over and above you.

Disloyalty occurs when you are abandoned due to the loss of your money, success, or health.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The disloyal partner must be willing to consider your legitimate need that he or she has your back; that he or she is loyal to you.

Professional help

Participation in relationship counseling to better understand the importance of loyalty and the injuries caused by disloyalty.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

7. RESPONSIBILITY-AVOIDANCE

Variations: Laziness, an unwillingness to consider problems and how to fix them, unwillingness to work, unwilling to take care of the home, neglect of the children.

Being in a family requires each member to behave responsibly, which includes making efforts to contribute to the well-being of each family member.

If you or your partner is unwilling to participate in a responsible way contributing to the legitimate needs of each family member, the responsible partner will feel the situation is unfair, and that he or she is being taken advantage of and he or she will be resentful.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The offending partner who is unwilling to behave responsibly must recognize that as an executive in the family, he or she is required to participate in the well-being of each and every family member and to recognize that not participating is unfair and hurt others.

A family is like a small community. Each person has to do his or her part.

Professional help

If your partner is not responsible because of depression, anxiety, or resentment, they must get help from an appropriate professional to overcome these obstacles to full family participation.

The partner who needs to become responsible is willing to participate in relationship therapy if requested or required.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

8. UNREALISTIC-EXPECTATIONS

Variations: Disappointment in one's partner, anger, criticism.

If your partner expects too much from you, he or she will feel resentful, be angry, disappointed with you. If you expect too much from your partner, he or she will feel the same.

Unrealistic expectations can lead to arguing, expressions of anger, and in general, dissatisfaction in his or her relationship with you.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

The offending partner needs to learn how to be accepting of you; eliminate feelings of entitlement; develop humility; and learn gratitude.

Professional help

If necessary, your partner should be willing to engage in personal therapy to understand where their feelings of entitlement come from and what are reasonable expectations. The offending partner should consider a spiritual practice as a way of acquiring humility.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

9. PARTNER'S BIRTH-FAMILY REJECTION

Variations: Criticizing and unwillingness to visit or entertain in-laws.

Coupled individuals need to support their partner in having a comfortable and healthy relationship with their birth family members.

If you or your partner resist efforts to integrating extended family members, or a particular member of the extended family, into your family, the partner whose extended family is being shunned will experience significant emotional pain and disappointment.

Forcing one’s partner to be distant from their birth family members causes embarrassment, lost opportunities of belonging, and leads to resentment toward the offending partner.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility: Recognizing each family member’s right to have an active relationship with his or her birth-family.

Each partner should let their other partner take the lead regarding social activities with their birth-family and should take part in a cooperative and pleasant way.

Professional help

Using a family therapist to help build harmonious relationships with all extended family members.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

10. ROLE-DISLIKE

Variations: Bullying, insensitivity.

Role-Dislike is an unwillingness to acknowledge the legitimacy of one’s partner having increased authority in an area of specialization.

For example, a man unwilling to recognize his female partner’s natural instincts to take care of their newborn infant and competing with her over what is the best care.

For example, a woman trying to control her husband’s business and giving unwanted opinions, and demanding specific procedures be carried out.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Recognition that each individual has unique aptitude and competencies. Respecting these differences and taking a supportive role rather than a leading role.

Professional help

Using a therapist to help develop a clear understanding of some of the differences that exist between two people.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

11. EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT

Variations: Being depressed, being anxious, being angry, hatred, or being insensitive.

Expressing strong emotions freely and without limitations will have a negative effect on the relationship. The more subdued partner will find the strong emotion overwhelming and off-putting.

Excess quilt, anger, anxiety, worry, and obsessing about particular topics can make building a close and comfortable relationship difficult.

Unrestricted emotions can lead to partner avoidance and anger.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Understanding that relationship fitness is not automatically acquired. If you or your partner behave with uncontrolled emotions or immaturity, a means to correct this problem must be found.

Professional help

Finding a good psychotherapist to help the overly emotional or immature partner develop personal relationship skills.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

12. ABUSE

Variations: Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and mental abuse.

When a person believes they have a right to control their partner and make efforts to do so, this is called abuse.

The abuser achieves control using hostile emotions such as anger, shaming, criticizing, gaslighting, and physical violence to assert his or her authority.

Such behavior severely injures the victim of abuse.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Recognizing that all forms of abuse are wrong. The abuser must acknowledge that every person is equal and entitled to independence and freedom — that no one has a right to control another person.

Professional help

Finding a good relationship specialist who can explain the reasons abuse is unacceptable behavior within a relationship and can create accountability in the future. The professional can teach anger management and engage in psychotherapy if needed. Joining a group to help overcome abusive behaviors is also a valuable resource.

The abusive person is willing to participate in relationship therapy if requested or required.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

13. SELF-HARM

Variations: Substance abuse, over-eating, self-cutting, attempts to kill oneself, not caring for oneself.

Ingesting unhealthy substances or engaging in risky or harmful behavior hurts the person who is harming themselves and everyone else in the family.

Self-harm can lead to a minor injury, disability, or death.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

An honest recognition that self-harm and other risky conduct are unacceptable behaviors.

The person engaged in self-harm is willing to take personal responsibility to correct the situation and engage in a practical plan of action to remedy the problem.

Professional help

Use a professional therapist or find a therapeutic group to get the required support to stop the self-harm.

The partner who needs help is willing to participate in relationship therapy if requested or required.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

14. ADDICTIONS

Variations: Pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, unhealthy exercise, unhealthy eating.

If you or your partner lives with an addiction, know that it hurts everyone. Depending on the addiction, it can lead to a decrease in the family's finances and stability, and cause illness or death.

Addictive behavior excludes responsible behavior. A person addicted to something cannot control his or her life. Because of this, they cannot responsibly and fully contribute to their family community.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Being honest that one is an addict and being responsible for seeking treatment.

Professional help

Using a therapist or finding a therapeutic group to get the necessary treatment and support to stop the addiction.

The addict is willing to participate in relationship therapy if requested or required.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

 

* * *

15. INFIDELITY

Variations: Financial, emotional, substance abuse.

Lying, deception, and betrayal are all part of infidelity. The victimized partner naturally loses all confidence in his or her partner who cheated.

Should the cheating stop, security, and trust in the offending partner will not return on its own. A deliberate program of Infidelity Recovery is necessary for the relationship to return to its original pristine state.

TREATMENT

Personal responsibility

Remorse, sensitivity, honesty, and cooperation by the partner who cheated.

Professional help

Taking part in an Infidelity Recovery Program conducted by a qualified and caring mental health professional.

Self-help

Power books:

Insightful videos:

Hands-on worksheets:

BACK TO INDEX

Topics: How to save your marriage, How to save a relationship, How to fix a broken marriage, How to have a healthy relationship, How to fix a broken relationship